Let it never be forgotten that your hobbies are supposed to be fun. Keeping that in mind, this page is dedicated to motoring-related tom-foolery!
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KITCAR TEST
This simple test is intended to establish if you're suited to kitcar ownership. Study the following questions and select the most likely answer to each scenario.
1.
You receive some junk mail through the post offering you the chance to win
a brand new Proton. Do you -
a) Throw
it out as it couldn't replace your soon-to-be-classic 15 year old Fiesta
1100.
b) Fill in the form and return it thinking that the little woman can use
it to go shopping.
c) Fill it in immediately and return it telling yourself you can sell it
and put down a deposit on an Ultima.
2.
Your car requires some work. Is this most likely to be -
a) Heading down to the breakers' on a Saturday morning with a few ill fitting
spanners to retrieve a second hand brake pipe.
b) Sending the car in for a full dealer service and valet at the company's
expense while you go for a round of golf with some work-related acquaintances.
c) Getting a donor car into the drive and spending the weekend relieving
it of the necessary grubby bits.
3.
You pull onto the garage forecourt. Will this involve -
a) filling up with oil and checking the petrol.
b) filling up with unleaded petrol, signing for it on the company account
and claiming the Texaco tokens for yourself.
c) Having someone approach you to ask about your wonderful car before you
get a full tank of four star onboard.
4. Your idea of sporty driving is -
a) having a laugh by intentionally weaving around the roads forcing other
drivers to avoid you - after all, their dented panel will cost more to fix
than your whole car costs.
b) overtaking another diesel rep-mobile on the M1 at 75mph.
c) Heading out on some tasty A and B roads, easily out-cornering the boy-racer
in the Corsa with the big alloy wheels who's trying to wind you up.
5. Your idea of one-upmanship is -
a) One of those red rear window graphics that announces the model of your
car to all.
b) Having 15" alloys when the other guy's Vectra only has 14" items.
c) Having a car that gets more looks than the luridly coloured Porsche 911
on the other side of the junction.
6. There's a hitch-hiker up ahead. What happens next?
a) They quickly disappear back into the bushes when they notice your bucket's
uncertain approach.
b) You drive on - there wouldn't be room for them anyway - the car is full
with your wife and kids.
c) You stop and the smiling, buxom young blonde female gladly accepts your
kind offer of a lift.
7.
It's a beautiful summer's evening. Do you -
a) Pull the carpets out of the car and set them in the sun to dry the previous
day's rain from them.
b) Cut the grass.
c) Don your shades, pull down the hood and croooooose.
8.
You return to your parked car. Do you -
a) Remove the brick from the front wheel and roll down the hill until you've
gathered enough momentum for a jump start.
b) Operate the central locking with your remote keyring and hang your jacket
off the JC handle.
c) Step over the side, harness yourself in, fire it into life, and drive
heroically into the sunset.
9.
You approach and must negotiate a roundabout. How do you indicate your intended
route to other road users?
a) You daren't. Any use of non-critical electrical circuits is prone to
cause an electrical fire.
b) You don't. You never think of why.
c) You don't need to. Your kitcar darts decisively round the roundabout
before other road users have a chance to see your intentions.
Now
see how you've done, according to which answers you chose.
Mostly a) - While your efforts to maintain your car's capacity for self-propulsion
are admirable, they are probably a little ham-fisted. In any case, it's
probably a monetary thing. Your seemingly constant efforts to keep your
wheels running would be much better re-directed in constructing one of the
budget based kitcars. With some assistance in the hands-on approach to car
mechanics, there may be hope for you yet. You're probably already on first
name terms with your local breaker, which is a distinct advantage.
Mostly b) - Any trace of car enthusiasm you once had has been reduced to
reading motoring weeklies like Auto Express. You now regard the car as a
tool, a piece of 'white goods' such as a fridge or washing machine. This
is often a natural side effect of company car 'ownership'. Your only hope
of retrieving the situation is to take the bull by the horns and get yourself
a summer sportscar such as a Fury or a S***n. Given a probable lack of spannering
experience, buying one ready built is even acceptable.
Mostly c) - Fibreglass resin courses through your veins. You are the kind
of person who sees motoring as a form of entertainment, who lives for warm
summer evenings and serpentine B-roads. You probably already own at least
one kitcar, and if not, you should do. However, you are slightly given to
fantasies of buxom blonde female hitch-hikers.
Darryl Webb
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10 Best Tools of All Time
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.
1.
Duct Tape Not just a tool,
a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body
material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in
an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape
in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning
Porsches to the Space Shuttle use it by the yard. The only thing that can
get you out of more scrapes is a 50 pence piece and a phone box.
2. Vice Grips Equally adept
as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen
bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool
box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed
up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants A considerably
cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker
than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the
Cutty Sark to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of
these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle
if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids
If you spend all your time under the bonnet looking for a frendle pin that
caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner,
it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless
vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use
it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine
tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe
of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road
Block up a tyre. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop
noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a
hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with
the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties After 20 years
of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought
a slightly slicked-up version to the car parts market. Fifteen zip ties
can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a working model
of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring
harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract
£100 for each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking,
splitting or mutilating than a huge flat-blade screwdriver, particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving
a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and
you will just like Dad and your metalwork teacher said--who cares, it has
a lifetime guarantee.
8. Baling Wire Commonly known as MG
muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or
ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since
it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again.
Baling wire is a sentimental favourite in some circles, particularly with
the MG and Triumph set.
9. Bonking Stick This monstrous tuning
fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a ball-joint separator,
but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're
lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application
of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-blade screwdriver. Nature
doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate ball-joint ends
in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10. A 50 pence piece and a Phone Box
See tip #1 above.
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Peter Egan's Tool Dictionary
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and
slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau
covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used
for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but
it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting
tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely
for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of
the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because
you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the pack of cheap disposable
lighters you bought in Cornmarket.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working
on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding
six-month old B&H from the sort of person who would throw them away for
no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine
useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so
that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering
it against the Snap-On Tool Calender over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts
and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about
the time it takes you to say, "Bert Weedon."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering
a Capri to the ground after you have installed a set of lowered road springs,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used
for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood
splinters. · PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically
useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting
dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A
tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known
drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument
for illuminating grease build-up on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A
handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth leads and hydraulic
clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large engine mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY
ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside
of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail,
just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own
tanning salon. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that artillery shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Somme. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used
to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw
heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes
energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Draper impact wrench that
grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.